You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i think i have herpe
just one?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
