Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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