He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
