At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
