I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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