Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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