Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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