Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
