I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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