I just saw a hot homeless man
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
