I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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