I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I think your dad took our porno
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize