so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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