Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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