Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
