I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
