I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
