I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Randomize
