He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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