My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
