Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
