If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
