My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
