That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
