I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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