My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
