They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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