When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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