Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
