I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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