My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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