I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
