Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
