M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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