my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
