omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
