god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
