fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
