When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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