I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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