you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize