i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
