aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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