1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
