a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
