So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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