Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
