I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
