I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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