I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
