cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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