My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
