I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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