ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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