the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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