i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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