Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So here I am, sexting at work.
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