On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize