Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
