Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Randomize
