I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
