"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
