Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
