Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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