I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
do herpes really smell.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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