apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
