even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
