just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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