Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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