I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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